day 1380 – the mopesĀ 

this is the time when i don’t want to have feelings because i only feel pain. it’s atypical for me to complain about pain and let the pain affect my life, but this is not normal when i can’t even move my head to look down or rotate my torso to get up. not quite sure what the hell is going on with my body besides life being hell right now. it’s frustrating me so much if affects the entirety of my life at the moment

day 1341 – solituding

the only bright spot on this day was watching federer take his third title this year. otherwise i spent it in solitude as quiet time are never good times when being crushed by my troubles. needing to get out because i can’t stand being at home and confined by myself. at least gym is a place of hiding and numbing because it’s a place i can be respected. outside and being with people makes me hide my sorrows, but i know i’m only masking for what i want to bury even deeper