day 1567 – new salary

received my first pay stub with my new remuneration; means a lot to me to finally have my hardwork reflected in my salary. though that’s the only bright spot of the day as i woke up feeling really shitty about myself. a stomachache made matters worse and i didn’t feel like eating. i regret having dragged myself into the office but had so much work that missing any time wasn’t feasible. just as i thought my evening was getting better, a phone call from sifu changed everything and i all i could do was lay in bed feeling majorly overwhelmed but no one there to receive

day 1558 – me menu

called everything off and put myself and only myself on today’s menu cause i need time alone to set my priorities straight. absolutely no work related tasks today – no work for the first time in sixteen days. i was going down the wrong path of cramming work in to avoid idle time which in turn has even more negative effect on my mental health. can’t say i’m not a workaholic but then realized i was more burnt out than ever. so first time sleeping in until eight, helped my parents moved furniture, went for a workout and cleaned my room. that is not to say i don’t see the relationship struggles, but we’ll both be working on it together. i do feel better thinking i’ve reset my priorities and reorganized my life for the upcoming week

day 1544 – lonely corner

the cage may be full, but the squat rack on the other side of the gym wasn’t. besides being in the stuffy side, it’s not so bad here. in fact, i kind of like being alone in this lonely corner where i can be me. i must admit i felt the heaviness after enduring the past couple days. my back and hip is feeling funky; must have been the jolt from yesterday’s game. what’s on my glute doesn’t seem like it’s just a normal bruise. had to cut workout short before i do some extra damage to myself. it was nice to walk the park with good old buddy just to catch up and unload

day 1510 Рdisconnect 

there’s no change since. the fact that i still feel alone hasn’t changed. it makes me wonder what difference it makes being in a relationship. i still feel i am on my own. has it gotten too comfortable to the point where communication can be so sparse and the disconnect can be so big?? i don’t have a lot of needs and i don’t demand for much, maybe that’s why i get pushed aside and pushed down in priorities. i try to sweep it under the rug but i can’t help noticing my patience that something will turn around is declining. holding on might not be the thing to do anymore

a nobody

it’s not without reason that i have been eerily quiet about me and my life the past month. piecing together scattering thoughts, i have identified the main cause and finally come to reveal what’s going on. those who don’t know me may think it’s just mood swings, but it’s not. i have just quietly kept everything trapped inside and reserved all my feelings because i felt like a nobody. i felt like the relationship is no longer what it used to be. every time i see what this pair at the gym can do with each other, i can’t help when some enviousness creep in. the way they could be so down to earth and so supportive. and over the course of the weeks and months, i could see she’s feeding off of his support and making the gains of her fitness journey. i know not everyone envisions the same relationship goals, that’s just one of mine. tons of questions and uncertainties as to what the priorities really were. there’s been a lot of tears and negative thoughts going through my mind that i cannot slay. the nights were painful, the loneliness was strong and the darkness was enduring. for the last several weeks, i was under a lot of pressure where it got so much that i would unknowingly feel tears roll down when i’m idling alone at night. stupidly thinking that if i keep suppressing my feelings, it would eventually end. it obviously didn’t and weighed me down day after day. i couldnt hold it down any longer and finally erupted last night. the situation may not change overnight or change at all, but steps are required. at least i put it out there so mo know how i felt and what’s making me depressed. i don’t have a dependent persona, but maybe i need to be more independent than i already am

day 1495 – rendering

still made it to work feeling unwell since i need to crank out renderings for client. adamant on my gym routines after work regardless. part of my workout came to a halt when i felt sharp pain in my hip. i rested a little and popped some painkillers before leaving the gym with limbs shaking. sharp pain hit me again mid way through a dodgeball game; my hip felt paralyzed for a second and i couldn’t bend over. i have yet to play a robot night without pain and never knew how much this car accident would impact my daily life and movement. but what hurts most going home wasn’t my hip but my heart. this time i can’t really brush it off and pretend i’m okay with it

day 1484 – speak easy

nationals in the back of my mind the whole day made me so restless. i never expected the decision to be easy to overcome, and i think i handled it the best i could. what made it more difficult was i had no one to speak my mind and made it less inviting when i’m constantly being criticized, teased or ignored. i feel like i’m taking this on alone and less willing to pour my heart out knowing i’m going to get insults. i don’t know how long i can take the punishment