day 2376 – not deserving

i felt like crap after training because i simply couldn’t replicate and connect my cartwheel with anything going backwards. i wanted help but no chance because he’s too focused helping one person. left the gym disappointed beating myself up. i didn’t deserve to eat so i went straight home so i wouldn’t tear up in front of people. whenever i don’t do what i need to, i would punish myself with no food because eating needs to be earned

day 2373 – rutted

i’ve had far too many nose blows the past few months. the amount of times i stay awake being sad and discouraged far exceeds the times i not. i’m so tired of it; the feeling of quitting happens every other day. i’m not okay being neglected, left alone to fail and self destruct while some get the full on instructions. it hurts me that i show up to classes and open gyms ready to learn, ready to land my next move, but i’m clearly not their priority because they’ve got their ‘pokemon’ to train. i don’t deserve this and it hurts me so much inside more than words can explain

day 2227 – taekwondo time

killarney just got a lot way more stressful starting this term. i’ll be short my vice instructor because she got pulled back to teaching at main branch but i get no one in return; it’ll be just me, an instructor and assistant instructors. i’ll have to train up another vice instructor from scratch. until then, i’ll have to own everything and be prepared to take on anything that comes my way. that’s including preparations for promotion tests, comeptitions and demonstrations while juggling my staff’s limited availability. it’ll be hard to stay sane throughout this term, but i’ll stay positive and continue to believe in what i can offer

day 2187 – lunch stroll

i really wasn’t feeling i was in the right place, so i went for a stroll to get some air after lunch. i walked aimlessly outside in the opposite direction because i didn’t want to have any interaction. i still am not back to my old self from the outbreak that i couldn’t prevent. i’m trying my hardest to do so but it’s still too noticeable that i haven’t been carrying myself the same way i normally do. i may need to take a day off as a way to recoup

day 1478 – buckle down

it’s inexcusable that so many times i lose my self discipline and stray off from what i need to be doing. there’s been a lot of pressure from different sources of life and i’m struggling trying to stand my ground. i didn’t sign up for this, maybe i was meant to be alone in the dark, forever. i’m so stressed out; it’s been disappointing the stress has so much impact on my willpower and the lack of it. there is no excuse to not have a better habit and stick with what i want

day 1477 – new salary

img_20200203_1531139026052472221022023.jpgreceived my first pay stub with my new remuneration; means a lot to me to finally have my hardwork reflected in my salary. though that’s the only bright spot of the day as i woke up feeling really shitty about myself. a stomachache made matters worse and i didn’t feel like eating. i regret having dragged myself into the office but had so much work that missing any time wasn’t feasible. just as i thought my evening was getting better, a phone call from sifu changed everything and i all i could do was lay in bed feeling majorly overwhelmed but no one there to receive

day 1468 – me menu

called everything off and put myself and only myself on today’s menu cause i need time alone to set my priorities straight. absolutely no work related tasks today – no work for the first time in sixteen days. i was going down the wrong path of cramming work in to avoid idle time which in turn has even more negative effect on my mental health. can’t say i’m not a workaholic but then realized i was more burnt out than ever. so first time sleeping in until eight, helped my parents moved furniture, went for a workout and cleaned my room. that is not to say i don’t see the relationship struggles, but we’ll both be working on it together. i do feel better thinking i’ve reset my priorities and reorganized my life for the upcoming week