day 1401 – feeding off 

after a stressful mental battle with stacy garcia deadline for eight hours, my mind was drained. a quick visit to chiro with steady recovery for my back and ribs, but bad news for my hip. it was humbling when a power lifter i frequently see and viewed from afar came to introduce herself. i look on as she’s feeding off his encouragements as she goes. what i didn’t know was as i’m impressed with the amount of weight she pushed, she is equally impressed with my coordination and balance as i did my olympic lifts and pistols

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self shamed

i would be in a better place if only i could see eye to eye with this quote. getting bashed is something i’ve gotten too used to growing up. for years and years, i’ve always struggled with confidence, mainly self confidence. never came naturally and at times questioned if it even exists. i always thought of all my imperfections and in my mind i always had a vision of what perfect is. i thought i had found some latter part of last year when i was at my peak and everything felt well, but that has diminished. being a person that’s largely affected by other’s words, i take every put down personal. lately i’ve fallen depressed and almost ashamed of myself in so many ways. i wasn’t happy nor satisfied with my mental state, physique and features and even where i am within the society. i can’t be the perfect daughter, i can’t be the perfect girl, i can’t have the perfect job, i can’t have the perfect personality, i can’t have the perfect physique – i simply can’t be perfect. this self hate sucks because i would feel the need to purposely beat myself up or starve myself. losing sleep thinking over and over again what i need to get the self confidence back. it’s been a struggle learning to accept myself for who i am